Upon death, the morgue and funeral homes take over, often with efficient and quiet authority, leaving families and friends feeling like they have no other choice.

Institutions often have valid concerns.

Even though, before the modern era, all death was handled by families at home, we now have a collective unease. And most people cannot handle being with a dead body—emotionally or physically. So in order to help people avoid the discomfort, emotions, confusion, and even disgust that can arise, the “processing” of the body is expedited and made nearly invisible.

Hurried removal not only robs us of the opportunity for transition, grief, completion, and care, but it also reinforces the idea that death is something to fear, something to avoid, and something to distance ourselves from, rather than a natural and inevitable part of life’s journey.

Access to the Dead

For those of us who have learned to work with the dead and want to engage with our loved ones after they have passed, we’ve had to educate hospitals, morgues, coroners, and other institutions that we are not only capable of being with the dead but DESIRE (and sometimes demand) to have access. Armed with some confidence, intention, and knowledge, we’ve been able, in all cases, to have access to the bodies of our dear ones.

Having the body in our presence for a time after death allows for the living to transition, to say good-bye, to tell stories, to grieve, and to integrate the passing. It also allows us to sit with the great mysteries, ask important existential questions, and be present with changes in our body/mind/spirit (including biochemical responses) when the portal to the other realms open. This is a potent and relatively rare (for most of us) opportunity for us to grapple with the life/death/life cycles. This intimate connection with the deceased allows for a more personal and profound understanding of them, of us, and of death.

Extending Our Care into Death

For the one who has recently passed, it imparts reverence and care and, if most spiritual traditions are to be believed, opportunity for that loved one to orient to their new state of dis-embodiment. Many land-based and long-historied traditions believe that the spirit can stay with the body for 72 hours or more.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, where you want more time with a recently departed loved one but there is pressure to remove the body, there are some things you can do. 

• You can ask for time with the body. 
• You can specify that your spiritual traditions require it. 
• You can ask the institution to support you and your spiritual community by providing adequate facilities for engaging with the deceased. 
• You can find a death literate advocate, either at the hospital, in hospice, or in some other context and ask them to support your desire to be with the dead. 
• You can bring in a death doula or death educator to help you navigate the systems.

Simple Ritual

Even an hour or two with your beloved dead can make all the difference in the world to the process of transition and integration. If you’re able, prepare some songs, chants, or other meaningful rituals based on the values of your loved one. They do not have to be elaborate: simple can be profound and powerful. If you’re able, prepare in advance or ask the support of a death literate ally.

Being with our beloved at the moment of death and for a time after death is an honor. It extends our love and care in a meaningful and quite powerful way.